The Presence of Solitude: while embracing acceptance of being radically alone

 

The constant noise of thoughts

has taken my time away from me.

Then I questioned my self-centeredness

to present connection

without attachment and destructively.

 

In solitude, I prepare myself as if to understand how to be secure and authentic freely. I sense my physical and physiological systems are unbalanced at this edge of my humanity. After all, I have already passed a way of life at social functions such as being a daughter, a mother, a trainer, a stage performer, and in some mutual romantic relationships. At this very moment, being alone with myself is my only option. 

If I am able to listen to the hectic pace of my life, do I need to relearn to walk the path of silence and solitude in another step of life? Meanwhile, this condition is a fundamental skill to isolate myself from being overwhelmed by causes of connection in rare paths without direct conclusion. Metaphorically, what would I do with the rest of the life I have?

I tend to the point of knowing nothing about the meaning of life, and staring from the top of my edge, I learn that the meaning of life has no meaning. Everything comes and goes, nothing belongs, not even my body, my breath, and someone that I love for the very first time in my whole life just happened now.

I am assured I am able to share my life with his life. However, it appears to be a far cry from where I was coming from, which was full of social activities. Instead of trying to remember the experiences and the routines, I feel awkward and warful about my needs and emotions. Furthermore, they turned the moment into a catastrophe. 

 

Sementara pagi hadir begitu gaduh

pada sudut kota yang menggenggam

kenangan ditinggalkan dalam kelam

Aku meminta hal yang tak lagi utuh

untuk berjalan dengan segala letihku

yang pernah terukir di seberang ufuk

bagaikan mimpi lautan badai selatan

menunggu di tepi musim yang hilang

Apakah dermaga enggan menitipkan

rindu yang takkan mampu terbantah

Semisal harapan tersapu gelombang

desir pasir dalam diam tiada jawab

Cahaya kembali rembang…

What could be more alone than deciding to become a self-reader at the age of maturity? How is the sense of peace released, undoubtedly? It is natural for the self to take small steps as a starting step. Thoughts and feelings flood in as a new day settles in every single minute. It just guides me to remembrance of some philosophers of humanity and the psychology of existentialism I knew both from the east and the west in my youth.

I will try to give myself the time in exercise to practice living like a new baby learning how to crawl as another spiritualism of being alone. Through the story of my mind, I am required to imagine being direct in ways of how to stay in a current circumstance. How to be sharper, more creative, and more tuned-in to what may be happening in and around me by listening to Purple Noise in clear mind and body until all tears dry naturally.